My Asperger’s Journey: GUEST BLOG POST

https://linktr.ee/lucyreidarts

'I can play the piano' whispered 5-year-old me to our deputy head teacher Mr. Dennis who was supervising a rainy play time. I was whispering after tapping him on the arm to get his attention, which is how I communicated with people at school in those days. We were playing eye spy and someone had said 'p' and it was for piano, I could only play a handful of tunes that my Dad had taught me, but at that moment I felt that I could share this information with Mr. Dennis, he was a teacher I liked and who turned out to have endless patience and encouragement for me throughout primary school. Mr. Dennis must have seen a confidence in this whole interaction – it was out of character for me – because the following assembly when it was someone's birthday, he announced that we had a famous pianist here to play 'Happy Birthday' for the lucky child (!) He then proceeded to welcome 'Lucy Ludlam' (my maiden name) to take a seat at the piano, and I couldn't get there fast enough, which was incredible for someone who avoided anything public or in the spotlight at all costs; hell I even avoided speaking if I could. So, for the rest of my days at primary school whenever there was a birthday, I was your girl at the piano, my birthday was always in the summer holidays so that sorted that dilemma. Asking people what coloured knickers they were wearing, being obsessed with bathrooms – particularly the toilets, painting friends that came round to play - literally daubing them in paint, or sitting them and myself in mud baths I had concocted, running around naked in public(I must stop that one), simply staring in people's windows (later I would put a toy periscope in the window with me slightly out of view when I learned that folks just didn't appreciate my immediate curiosity and perhaps more subtlety was needed) were all a day in the life of me. In fact the bathroom obsession or 'special interest' as we now know them to be, became the bane of my Dad's life as I clearly remember his exasperation when been taken to see 'Watership Down' at the pictures and after asking to visit the loo FOUR times and not actually going for a pee but to look at the bathroom, it's, décor and more importantly, THE TOILET (the colour was very important to me back then) - 'DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO GO FOR A WEE OR ARE YOU JUST GOING IN TO SEE WHAT COLOUR THE TOILET IS?!!!' was my poor Dad's desperate tones; he knew me well. At Girl Guides I stormed out after a recorder performance at a garden party at Captain's house where us performers were to receive our 'music badge': the reason? We were supposed to find and learn a piece of music – I had composed my own, and afterwards, although Captain broke this news gently to me I was inconsolable; Storming home never to grace Tetney Girl Guides again... ever, even after Captain visited our house to coax me back: It was too late my pride was wounded my creative temperament thwarted it was the end of my precocious music career. Growing up, I always felt I was on one side of the glass and most people were on the other side; not in a big conscious way or with any 'woe is me' I just didn’t seem to 'get it'. I spent a lot of time wondering and in awe of how people just seemed to 'get' things: that knowing look at each other, laughing at jokes that aren't funny, not finishing sentences off yet everyone seeming to know what was intended at the end,(was everyone linked telepathically?) not knowing when to stop talking – yes I did find my voice and boy didn't I make up for the years of hardly speaking - not knowing when people were bored with what I was saying; rewind to February 1999 (yes I have a great memory for dates and times) a social gathering at my sister's house; friends and family, myself? Sitting talking to (well in hindsight 'talking at') my Uncles flat mate, I was over enthusiastically discussing the concept of the universe inside a banana as you do and thought that she was captivated until my sister leaned across to her and proposed 'Would you like to see my dresses?' and you betcha Uncles flat mate was outa there giggling and hand in hand with sister at the speed of light, leaving me thinking 'b-b-but I-I-I was just about to suggest that the banana that our universe was inside could possibly be inside another banana or even an orange...' oh the confusion, oh the rejection; perhaps I should have asked if she wanted to view my knicker drawer, if it's clothes that keeps 'em entertained..

You Don't Look Autistic

Maybe it's the lack of a light up purple sparkly nose that's missing from my face; that sign of an autistic person? 'But you seem so nice!' What? - as opposed to all the horrible Asperger’s folks out there?! Etc, etc. I had a late diagnosis for Asperger's Syndrome - in my 40's, and like many other later diagnosed adults, we slipped through the net, nothing was widely known about Asperger's back then...there's the years of struggling to hold down a job because you get so overwhelmed and tired around lots of people and activity and information; autistic people sense everything intensely or more richly which overloads our senses and we either meltdown (often mistaken for a tantrum) or shutdown which means that you can't do anything and can sometimes mean going non-verbal. We've often slipped through the net because we are verbal and can appear 'normal’ on the outside(or neurotypical meaning non autistic); we do something called 'masking' or 'autistic camouflage' where all our lives we copy and mimic other people just to 'get by' we might not always understand why people do things differently to us or why we can be so off putting to others at times but we soon learn how to try to 'fit in' as a result of people's reactions to us. This takes an extraordinary amount of energy and effort. So, if we can do all this, what's the problem? You can learn to at least look like you fit in yes? So, aren't we all happy now? Well, no, because we are 'wired' differently. Autism is classed as a developmental disability, and I guess this is so if everyone who isn't autistic is wired EXACTLY the same, but I'm not convinced this is the case. Many of us are proud to be autistic 'Oh there's so many people being diagnosed as autistic these days' I hear, and 'Isn't it just an excuse?' or 'Oh we're all a bit autistic/ on the spectrum etc. etc', well if there are so many of us, isn't this telling us something? Perhaps we are meant to be this way, we have our own skills and talents?

Anyway

Many things were thrown in to sharp relief when I got my diagnosis , everything seemed to fit in to place in my mind or at least it explained why many of the things that had happened over the years had left me feeling so confused; the shame and inadequacy that I had felt for years, the strange looks when I would go off on a diatribe about knickers, The Incredible Hulk, whoever I was fixated on at the time, universes within bananas (!) oh the liberation, the pride of officially belonging to a group of people who are often described as quirky, brilliant, socially awkward, creative, anxious and often also 'geeky'; although the latter isn't as far as I know an official term...yet I am married and I am a mum of one; a brilliant daughter who is currently awaiting an autistic assessment. I am a textile artist who is trying to flog her stitched landscapes both online and in galleries and often succeeding which is wonderful.

You can view them them here if you wish

https://linktr.ee/lucyreidarts

I love working on my own where I can get on with what I am good at or at least I hope I'm good at it, I have to be very disciplined; guilty face as she clicks back on to the guest piece she's supposed to be writing for David's blog, oh too easily distracted even when I love something as my brain has many things happening in it at once...phew...

Ah yes, David

Last and not least, thank you for inviting me to write for your blog, it is an honour. I've known David for 8 years this September, and although we've never met in the flesh, we've communicated through various social media sites - blimey I'm making it sound so official. I first read his wonderous blog 'Amsterdamned' and put a very favourable comment at the beginning and we struck up conversations from there. I rate David highly as a human being; at least I assume he's from Earth and not an alien? He often caused me fits of laughter with his posts when we were on FB and provoked deep thoughts with his more political posts and taking a peek at his poetry which is very much his own brand. So that's me, I don't always know when to conclude, so I shall do so now, rather abruptly? I don't know, but I'll give it a go; thank you for making it to the end without falling asleep or throwing something at the screen or if you did...I'm sorry.