I have become emboldened. The response to my first post has inspired me to write some more about my Toxic Masculinity. In Part 1 I tried to pin the blame on the culture and on my mental illness, well in this one, I am going to lay the blame firmly on me and my toxic masculinity. I feel toxic and I am a man but I have not done and I am not going to do what a lot of men do and go looking for a woman and a relationship to try and fix me. Men of my age are often on their second or third marriages by now. Many are fathers and grandfathers. Not that many are how we say in Welsh 'hen lanc' or what the patriarchy would describe as 'on the shelf'. As I have said before I don't do research for my blog posts. I shoot from the hip. I had heard that the phrase 'on the shelf' was used to describe where a woman slept who was in a caring role in the family. Fathers deliberately had daughters late in life, who would look after them in their old age and like jugs or ornaments, they would literally sleep on the shelf. In one respect I am living an 'equality' in that I am meant to be in a caring role to elderly parents and instead of sleeping on the shelf, I sleep in a single bed with a floral duvet next to a desk where I can write my blog posts when inspiration strikes. I am a toxic male because generally I do not feel comfortable talking to women. I am toxic because I am sexist because much of what I see and hear is shallow, small talk. I am toxic because I have listened intently to tales of divorce and discord from my friends and I have thought "Phew, I am lucky that was not me, that would have buried me". I am toxic because my confirmatory bias has marinated in this stuff for years.
I am not a Sex Pest but I wonder if I was braver, more stupid, more arrogant whether I would be or could be. I am not a sex pest because I am frightened of women. Brett Kavanaugh and Harvey Weinstein were not afraid of women. They were men of power and they thought that their status would allow them to get away with their pesting.
Inadequate men in a Capitalist society often turn to 'Pornography' to scratch the itch. Testosterone, Violence, Alcohol, Drugs, Prostitution and perhaps the biggest drug of all Money. Women are leered over and objectified in Pornography but what do teenage boys do from their early teens to well into their adult years is watch pornography, even when they may be in relationships. Pornography is online and everywhere these days but as a 13 year old in a single sex school we paid a 'Dealer' by the name of Dewi Roberts, 10 pence a page out of the adult entertainment magazine 'Fiesta'. It was interesting that it was actually Dewi who discovered the fire in a desk at the back of the class that me and a friend had started with every intention of burning down the school.
One part of my toxic masculinity which I don't cover in my book Amsterdamnned is my visits to Amsterdam's Red Light Districts. In my numerous visits to the Dam I lost count of the number of windows I went through, the neon red light like a moth to a flame. If a man admits publicly that he has visited Prostitutes, then he must be a Toxic Male or is he just an honest one? I should be ashamed but I am not. I could hide behind the smokescreen of a Bipolar, Manic High and a Drug Induced Psychosis but I knew what I was doing. I knew that these were deliberate choices that I was making. Like a Gambler (perhaps) money had lost all meaning, and I was going to spend it in a way that I thought would replenish me but only eventually depleted me. I was the man, I had the money. I had the power.
Isn't Toxic Masculinity ultimately about Power. Of course we have the privilege but we Toxic Men have lost our humanity along the way.
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