High Anxiety

Even though I am allergic to young people I am concerned about their Mental Health. Their suffering is endemic and often times so unnecessary. It is this culture of secrecy around growing up because we often grow up with the burden of the family history but nobody talks about it. Parents don't feel that it is appropriate to mention crazy Uncle Dai and that there might be a genetic predisposition in the family to depression. They don't talk about Mental Health because very often parents are scared about their own Mental Health. Being young is bloody difficult and so bloody challenging and it is heartbreaking that they suffer so. It is not until they are older that they can frame things differently in their minds, that they have learnt coping with life strategies. I do wonder if a lot of it has to do with their growing awareness of DEATH. Knowing that their parents, that their care givers are going to die and desert them. Also knowing that their own lives could be snuffed out like a candle at any time. Then they see all the crap in the world, the injustices pumped out on 24 hour news and then they get to thinking, where do I fit into all this shit? and is it really worth it? "My parents obviously loved each other enough to bring me into the world but I wish that there were other responsible adults who can help me cope with these feelings of high anxiety" is what I imagine they must be thinking but it is a long time since I was there but the memories can be painfully searing and can often stop you in your tracks when you remember back. So often times we turn to the substances to numb the pain. The pain of feeling and the pain of emotion. It works for a while but you need more and more substance because when the numbness wears off the anxiety and depression come back ten fold in the form of withdrawal. I wonder that as we age, we begin to give up and give in. It is this resignation that keeps us alive. To all intents and purposes we have resigned to circumstances and are just treading water but the young have hopes and dreams and they are fighting and if we have given up, then we should at least help them in their fighting and not show them that giving up is the answer to piece of mind.  Dunno! Just saying like. 

Half Term Halitosis

"So where have you been, Shark Fisherman? we've been so worried about you, you haven't been posting!" said nobody ever, not even my followers. Well I'm back to the blog after doing my usual Aber-Cardiff and back again but this time by train. The guy in the ticket office in Aber said I sounded like Frank Hennessy and I said "Do you know why Scousers and Cardiffians speak out of the side of their mouths? Because of the Irish influence. The Irish accent has melded and moulded with the indigenous Lancashire and Glamorgan and that's why they sound so bloody conspiratorial even when asking for a cup of tea. No offence but offence taken I'm sure.
This week was half term and all the school children in all the land were pulled like magnets to the shops, Cardiff and Aber the same. Whilst not meeting up with old friends, I was avoiding the 'critical mass'. I think I must now be allergic to young people, having been a teacher, and whilst the Welsh and English were holidaying inside and outside shops, a 16 year old from Aberdeen was lying dead on the floor of an Academy school. A good school in a good area? What are good schools and what are good areas? They have shut the school out of respect until next Monday. Did they do this in Leeds for the Teacher Anne Maguire? I don't think they did. Business as usual. That is what education in Britain has become a bums on seats, results business. "We don't care about your self worth, amongst your peers" "We don't care about Anorexia and Mental Health" "We don't care about Bullying, because we have a piece of paper, well lots of them actually that tell the world that we have an Anti-Bullying policy" 

WE CARE ABOUT OUR GCSE RESULTS AND OUR STANDING IN THE LEAGUE TABLES.   

Like a football team, a school is only as good as its results but unlike a football team, these institutions don't have the time to 'man manage'. There are caring individuals in every school. There are amazing teachers and pastoral care staff in every school but if the ethos of the school is 'Results First' then they are pissing in the proverbial wind. Why Results First? So that they can get into University to get into a good job or career? and whilst this has been going on, young minds have become angry, alienated, resentful. Minds that have not been nurtured but have been square bashed and moulded into passing exams. Your worth as a human being is how well you do in your exams. This is an appalling phenomenon but one which is internalised and one which is played out every day amongst adults. "I could have been a contender but instead I am driving this bus or van" but "We all need bus and van drivers" said the CEO of the large company who had been privately educated in classes of no more than 13. Mixed ability with classes of 28 on to 1 Teacher and this Teacher might as well be wearing a Superman costume. Education is failing children and that is why there is always half term halitosis.   

John O'Donohue On Being

Shell of a Man

SHELL OF A MAN

I am a shell of a man.

the damage had been done at school

where I played the fool for two years

and then withdrew

If you hold me up to your ear 

you wont hear the sea

just cogs and springs and tepid tea

a rag teddy of a man

similar to his childhood toy 

the one he held so tight when he was a boy

I tread this earth alone and groan

as I bear witness to the empty foam

I stand before you with frozen gaze

as I think back to better days

It's a long, long way back to when I could say

"I'm all right Jack"

Now like a Clam shell, set in my ways

you'd need a sledgehammer to crack this nut.

The daily tide wears you down

and leaves you with a bitter frown,

the shell that I carry is now my head,

anxiety, dread, 
no sleep, 
bed.

In Solidarity with a 10 year old Japanese Boy

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/oct/15/boris-johnson-knocks-over-10-year-old-boy-during-rugby-game-in-japan?CMP=fb_gu

The Mayor of London is a Bully

not a headline that would sully

the Evening Standard

"Xtra Xtra read all about it" 

Eton Bugger floors ten year old at Rugger

"Sorry old chap but I forgot that I am a demon at competitive sport"

"Give me that ball and I will make amends

 for any chariot that lost its wheel going round the bends"

Emperor Johnson in toga of red rose and thorns is waiting to be reborn.

When interviewed on Japan's Childrens' channel the lad said

" He is not the thinnest of men"

In fact the barrel chested buffoon blotted out the moon in the land of the rising sun.

On Great British Telly

dripping with sweat

the white haired yeti was proud to announce

"I would do it again, given half a chance"

" I was never very good at French but I can chin squat a 'Faux Pas' on the old gymnasium bench."

Shadows lengthen over the field of play

Bomber 'Boris' lives to fight another day.

LUMP

LUMP

Whatever course I go on

you are always there.

You are

'LUMP'

usually female but not always

you are the immovable object 

you are the bulldog chewing a wasp

I was really looking forward to this one

I had forgotten about you

but you must have followed me from the last one

like shit to a blanket

you are there

impassive

resentful

but

important

and perhaps because I do not recognise you as such

it infuriates you all the more.

but because Carl said

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves"

then perhaps it is I 

who is the
 'LUMP'

and I apologise 
but not

unreservedly

Toilet Blocker 2

http://sharkfishinginwales.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/toilet-blocker.html

I am sure that there are people who read about my toilet blocking adventures with bemusement "I have never blocked a toilet in my life, what is this little man with a beret on about?"
From aspiring playwright & wordsmith yesterday to toilet un-blocker today. I don't know whether it's karma or a metaphor but today I had to go down to 'Charlies' in Aberystwyth to buy a his and hers matching toilet plunger. I went into Bum Bargains First (B&M) and then into B&Q where the staff had the 1000 yard 'Vietnam' stare knowing that their superstore is about to close. Every time I enter a large retail unit, a part of me dies because I don't want to be there but today I had to be there because I had to unblock a toilet. Whether I am so full of shit or just unlucky I don't know, but today as a metaphor for my life, traipsing across a Mid Wales town, everything just felt so fruitless and hopeless. A life led without purpose leads down and around U bends. Only 1 person can give your life purpose and that person is you, but any more blocked toilets and I am just going to walk away.  

World in Union? You're aving a larff ain't ya?

Every time I hear some tenor pedaling out that lie in a quivering voice as eulogy for the egg shaped ball I snort with derision. This is not a world in union is it? or do you think it is? Is the Global goblet half empty or half full? 95 people blown up in Ankara yesterday, stabbings over the unholy land. Suicide Bombing appears to becoming a lifestyle and career choice. Why sign on the dotted line for 43 years and a pension or a zero hour contract when you can go now, with the added benefit of taking a few others with you. Have you never walked around a superstore especially at Christmas and looked at the people and wished that you had a bomb strapped to your back or a Glock sub atomic machine gun? Glock don't make sub atomics!!! Well I don't know I'm not really into guns or bombs but they appear to be the currency of communication at the moment. We have to carry on our mundane 2.4 children existence because we can do nothing about the global peace/war project. We've lived through it the last century but perhaps have been blissfully unaware of it because take it from me, if you care too much or really if you care at all, it will destroy you and it will destroy your mental health. You must not show emotion and feeling and empathy. You must not care. Be hard, be surly, be a man or indeed be a woman. Be what you choose to be but please don't warble on about a World in Union and giving Peace a Chance because it won't happen while there are still human beings walking or rather driving this earth. Ignore the bible saying and please turn the other cheek and cross to the other side of the road. We are living in a world of bitterness and hate and I say that not because I'm looking for it but because that is what is happening. Every time Jihadi John and ISIL behead somebody on camera they are actually holding a mirror up to the West. They are showing us. "This is you, this is" Not nice is it?     

Tankies & Trots:Spoken Word

Tankies & Trots

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/oct/05/boris-johnson-jeremy-corbyn-labour-left-tankies-trots-conservative-conference

I wish to mud wrestle with Boris Johnson

naked in the snow and rain.

I'd pull his 'todger' a hundred yards

and ping it back again.

Captain Haddock would call him

a 'blue bumbling blistering buffoon'.

"Tankies & Trots" 

he shouted down from the ramparts of

Castle Eton.

"I know because I've beaten them twice,

snort, 

yah, boo, sucks 

to the tuck shop chaps

and the last one there is a jolly old Trot.

You lot of oiks, you talk such absolute rot

We believe in using capitalism to deliver social and economic progress and we do it in a one-nation way – by bringing people together."

"What? like Thatcher did"

 replied the Tankies & Trots 

who by this stage had extracted something brown

from their collective bots.

"Yah, Yah exactly she was the one who showed us

how it should be done."

Cameron came round the corner holding a Miss Piggy wig

and it was then that all the Tankies & Trots began to twig

The pair began to hurry under a hail of muck and slurry

Who do you think was the first to cum?

as they kept on shouting "you're scum, Fucking scum."

Then IDS jumps into the melee with a furry dildo and matching beret.

The old pro Osborne was on to the game 

but had bought a condom in a sale, how tame.

The Tankies & Trots began to bellow

Manchester would never be the same again. 

Yr Eliffant yn y Stafell

Well dyma fi yn sgrifennu yn Gymraeg eto ar ôl i mi gael pwl o gydwybod. Dwi ddim yn gwneud digon dros yr iaith mae hwnna yn amlwg. Oni bai am siarad gyda theulu a ffrindiau yn Gymraeg beth all dyn neu ddynes ei wneud? Beth bynnag fydd yr awgrymiadau, dwi'n siŵr fydda nhw yn cynnwys gwneud pethau cymdeithasol. Ildiwch yn y fan ar lle. Gwneud mwy ar y cyfryngau cymdeithasol siŵr o fod gan fy mod yn gwario rhan fwyaf o fy mywyd arnynt ond cyn lleied o ffrindiau sydd yn medru'r iaith efallai oherwydd fy mod yn gyndyn i wneud ffrindiau a pam son am sothach yn Gymraeg. Trafod y pethau pwysig ydy'r angen ond crefydd neu rygbi gan amlaf sydd ar y fwydlen a beth am yr eliffant yn yr ystafell..na dim yr eliffant yna..yr eliffant fancw, honco mhonco. Yr eliffant ogleddol ag yr eliffant deheuol a ni wnâi'r ddau byth cwrdd. Tybed beth ydy canran yr hwntw sydd yn byw yn y Gogledd? Dwi'n siwr fod 'na llawer mwy o Ogleddwyr yn y De yma. Pam? Oherwydd dyma ble mae'r Brifddinas, dyma ble mae'r iaith ar waith yn y cyfryngau ar Gynulliad, dyma ble mae Clwb Ifor bach a Rygbi a Chrefydd. Rygbi a chrefydd ydy'r un peth yng Nghymru a dwi wedi bod mor euog â neb yn yr hen ddyddiau ond dwi'n hynod o falch na yn yr hen ddyddiau mae'r euogrwydd. Dwi'n edrych ymlaen at golli'r gemau rŵan. Dwi'n cymryd rhyw foddhad rhyfedd o feirniadu yn erbyn y tair pluen, i syrffed weithiau. Mi welais bobol yn gwneud ei ffordd i gymryd rhan yn hanner marathon Caerdydd bore mha. Bob un yn edrych yr un fath, yr un siâp, yn wyn, yn ddi gymeriad. Bobol ar yr wyneb na faswn ni ddim yn gwahodd i bryd o fwyd oherwydd dwi ddim yn rhedwr. Dwi ddim yn rhannu'r un siâp o gorff. Un bach tew ydw i heb wddw, jest y teip i chwarae 'Bachwr' a dyna fues i ers U15s bondigrybwyll yn y Gogledd ac wedyn dychwelyd i'r De parhau gyda'r gwastraff amser. Bachwr i 'Hogia Hen Ysgol Cathays' yn chwarae i fyny yn ymyl Ysbyty'r Heath. Beth oedd da'r ddau dîm yn gyffredin? Tîm yr Ysgol a Thîm Cathays? Roeddwn yn colli yn aml. Colli bron bob dydd Sadwrn ac mae meddylfryd y 'loser' yn dechrau treillio mewn i agweddau eraill o fywyd. Ond cymryd rhan fasa rhedwyr bore mha yn deud ydy'r peth pwysicaf a chwarae teg iddynt am y farn yna ond roeddwn yn edrych arnynt fel defaid, dwi'n edrych ar gefnogwyr Rygbi Cymru fel defaid, yn ei chrysau coch ddi gymeriad. Mi wnes y sylwad yn ddiweddar fod yna ddim byd yn Ganol y Ddinas o gofgolofn Aneurin Bevan i lawr y Hayes i'r llyfrgell fasa yn gwneud i chi feddwl eich bod yng Nghymru. All hwn fod ym Mryste neu Caerloyw am y Cymreictod sydd yn hanu ohono. Yr unig beth gwnaeth arwyddo fy mod mewn gwlad Geltaidd roedd 'byscwraig' ifanc roedd yn chwarae'r delyn.
O'r ochrau, ar y lluman pellaf mi fyddaf i yn gwylio bywyd erbyn hyn. Beth bynnag ydy 'Voyeur' yn Gymraeg, well dwi yn un o rheini. Voyeur mewn siâp eliffant. 

Ferry Across the Mersey

Hainault

Pay Up! Pay Up! and play the Game.

I became politicised on the journey towards and in prison. The first book I read from the excellent prison library was the True History of the Kelly Gang by Peter Carey. It came to me all of a sudden this morning that we have two nations playing Le Rugby at Twickers (HQ) who were complicit in the removal of  'so called Undesirables' from one to the other in the late 18th to the late 19th century. 162,000 convicts were transported between 1788 and 1868 some of these 'political prisoners' three of these being  John Frost, Zephaniah Williams, and William Jones, the Chartist leaders transported to Tasmania in the aftermath of the Newport rising of 1839. I write this post in light of David Cameron's recent refusal to pay monetary reparations to Jamaica. He will build a prison instead. I am one of these unscientific, intuitive types who believe that 'Trauma' is carried in the D.N.A. Where 'collective trauma' has occurred in history be it slavery or convict transportation, it has involved the oppression of one class, of one race over the other class of it's own or other races. Anger, and Oppression is carried in the genes and it is called resentment. Capitalists and Sugar Traders call it jealousy. They will claim that everybody benefits in the end. 
In prison, I was one of very few white men.The Dutch as a Colonial nation had prisoners from Curacao and Dutch Guyana. There was a high population of Muslims during my time there. Historically white men of status decide what to do with people of no status who dare to challenge their privileged position of power.
I don't agree with people who say "Keep Politics out of Sport" All of life is political, even the game of 'Bread & Circuses' devised by the ruling Romans to distract their own populace. Whatever anthems are sung today, God Save the Queen and Advance Australia Fair I wonder how many of those singing it will consider that their own ancestors, their own D.N.A was oppressed by the very establishment that they are honoring. Not many I'll wager.