This meme was stolen from
When you have a lot of time on your hands having made the decision not to work 'just for the sake of work' you come to realise some home truths and today's revelation is..........
"I believe that I have deliberately sabotaged my own life"
I have put 'deliberately' in italics because it may well have been subconscious but sabotaged it, I certainly have Ollie. Following on from the 'Freedom' blog as I look back, I can come to no other conclusion. Having had no plan and no ruthless streak I have bumbled through life doing what seemed like a good idea at the time whilst having the word 'writer' ticker taping in the back ground. Being someone who writes rather than a writer because calling yourself a writer implies that you get paid for your efforts. Are you a self sabotager? Have you taken action which has impacted badly upon your life? or have you been so inactive that this in itself has sabotaged any plans or dreams that you might have had. Sundays are very good days on which to dwell on such things. I used to dwell on them hung over and suffering from alcohol withdrawal. I used to look forward to Mondays to distract myself from the thoughts of a Sunday. Now I do not confine these thoughts to a Sunday, I spread them out throughout the week. I'm trying to work out whether it is a historic lack of confidence or pure disdain for the 'system' whatever that is. When I was in Prison, I was told by a Polish man, whose father had been in Auschwitz, that I would have to change. He had been a man of good character throughout his life but had yielded to temptation by agreeing to be a Drugs mule in his early sixties. He had agreed to sail a yacht carrying drugs and was apprehended in Dutch waters. He had accepted his sentence with good grace. I would not and could not accept my sentence. He told me this on the day that I was told by my solicitor that the prosecution were hoping to charge me with attempted bank robbery. That would have carried a sentence of a minimum of 8 years and on hearing this news my legs went like jelly, I went white /green and attended the work detail as usual. On seeing me, the caring Pole said "You have to change". He could see that the way I thought, affected my life. I know now that the way that I have thought has directly led to the life that I am living now. In the ten years that have elapsed I'm sure that I have changed. I was asked by a friend recently "Are you scared of life now?" and my honest answer would have to be "Yes, I am". As I bring this jolly blog post to a close I know two other things as well. I am leading a one man revolution against 'competing' and that in my mind 'I am still in prison'.
No comments:
Post a Comment