Dai Mutant

Dai Mutant's Monologue

"Sut Mae?" right that's it, that's all the Welsh I know I'm afraid.

What's wrinkly, goes in and out and stinks of piss?

Old age Pensioners doing the hokey cokey.

My name is Dai Mutant and I come visiting you from Planet Penygraig.

That's just to the left of Venus and to the South of Mars like.

I was well annoyed last week, I was sitting on my rock having a caws Caerffili sangwitch (we always pronounce the g in sangwitch)

and this bloody Voyager space craft lands right on my Halford's picnic rug.

Next thing I know two air balloons inflate and a machine on wheels comes out.

Stupid things can't get over the terrain so I puncture it with my fag and its off like Hi Ho Tonto Away!  

They are not pictures of Mars they are sending back,

that's the Rhondda that is!

Where it landed was Doris Evans's back yard.

And that face they have meant to have found?

That's all the young tearaway aliens doing donuts on Rhigos mountain.

And that pyramid they are all on about, that's the Happy Shopper in Pandy.

NASA my arse. They told everybody it had gone to Mars.

Tell me then why did the first live broadcast show a Rhondda Cynon Taf Tipper Lorry going past?

My cousin Mad Dan was driving it!

I realised I was a mutant in work like when somebody told me "I wasn't all there".

Work, well that's what they called it!

Every time I was bullied at school I zapped em with my ray gun fingers and the bullies would burst into flames on the playground.

Their mothers were not happy.

They've promised to have me on Wales Today for an interview but I heard nothing back.

Smart piece that Lucy Cohen mind!

My father's name was Ectac, he was from Pluto originally and Mam's maiden name was Ivy Jones from Ynysybwl.

They met in the Car Park when Dad's pod come down in a storm.

She took him home for a cup of tea and the rest as they say is history.

I was a messy baby by all accounts.

Kryptonite and Corn Flakes for breakfast.

They should make me leader of the Welsh Assembly instead of that Carwyn Jones.

 He's Neptune originally, by Bryncethin there.

Hopeless leaders they make.

I'd shake em up a bit aye!

I'd force everybody to speak Welsh.

See people are lazy by nature and design.

If you came to my planet, you'd have to speak Plutonese.   

They are having a job down the job centre finding me a job.

Too many digits on my hands or 'over qualified' to use their terminology.  

Well this won't buy the baby a new bonnet!

I better go and pretend I'm looking for work spose!

Well it's been nice talking at you!

Nanw Nanw Shazbatt and all that!