Patience

Patience is a virtue
Posess it if you can
Seldom in a woman
but never in a man.

 

Now I am not the most patient man in the world. In fact I may be one of the most impatient men in the world. I am impatient to die. I am impatient to get this life over and done with. I am not depressed nor suicidal but this lingering life does not suit me. Every day my subconscious thinks about death, others, but mostly my own. I am impatient at the moment to leave Cardiff. I have been here 25 years and you don't get that for murder. Why have I stayed in the same house for 25 years, FEAR! I did leave once, to go to London but I ended up in Amsterdam self medicating my Mood Disorder if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.

 

 

 

 

I do not want to acknowledge and I do not want to be acknowledged. Going about our daily business is like going to the toilet. I have no time for pleasantries or for flirting. I am a Puritan for heaven's sake.  Now there are some of the fairer sex who suss me out straight away and know by pure intuition that I have a problem with patience and the teasing and the taunting is not worth the pay off in the end. On two occasions on two subsequent days I have been stood behind two dithering dames at the checkout counter, once at the 'super super super oh I how I love thee so supermarkets' and the other at a pharmacy. On both occasions I was getting 'stuff' for others and I am held up in my tracks by people who can't make their mind up. I'm sorry women, but you know that I am impatient, you can see it in my face then why o why do you still insist on fucking about in front of me. So I'll notice you? Do you really want a Manic depressive with bad breath and yellowing teeth to notice you? Do you really want to be wooed by me? No, well get out of the fucking way then, I have a life to waste elsewhere on Facebook and on Twitter. Now some ladies will be shocked that I a male supporter of Feminism can talk like this about some in the sisterhood but this Blog Post finds me 'pissed off' with gender wars and gender games! I notice if somebody has a bad experience then 'all men are bastards' and fathers for justice are just meant to take it? Why do people bother courting, fucking and getting married? Oh I forgot, for the fucking of course which in turn produces children which more often than not suffer from the parents blazing gender wars rows after they are born. Peeps do not work on their subconscious enough before they enter into relationships. They work out their neurosis on their partner. I know, I've been there! And I'm not going there again. So today Sunday 27th January I am feeling particularly impatient to get my kitchen plastered because I am a fuckwit DIY and I am getting fucked(My favourite word) about by a plasterer who can't plaster outside when its snowing.What is wrong with people? I want to get a basic kitchen fitted, again more benefit money wasted so I can fuck off from this 'Fear Factory' which has been my home for the last 25 years. Where will I go? Well the way I'm feeling at the moment back to Amsterdam to self medicate my mood disorder.

Fuck Reality.   

(Freud was right, it's all about sex really)

Bullshit aka The Big I am

Today is the first anniversary of Sharkfishinginwales, a small boutique blog full of self indulgence and ephemera floating around in one man's subconscious like the pink toilet paper and stools floating off Barry Island. 
This was my first ever Blog post http://sharkfishinginwales.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/toxic-kairdiff.html
It started off as a Farewell letter to Cardiff. A Capital City of a Country not a Principality. I have been a resident here since 1988. A quarter of a century and all I have to show for it is a Blog and a Mental Health Diagnosis. In this time my house has gone from becoming a prison to a home. Houses are neutral. It is how we are within them that counts. I have gone from being very negative and a hater to slighly more positive and hating less. Perhaps this comes with age! I have tried to maintain a light touch to the Blog. Although prone to anxiety and sadness I find it increasingly hard to take life seriously. It is patently absurd. As an older single man I am realising how important it is to have hobbies. From none for many years I am now developing an interest and passion in gardens and growing and allotments et al. I love walking and walk everywhere. Writing will always be a passion but I am not so hard with myself on deadlines and commitment but perhaps this is a bad thing. In this year I have crossed the rubicon from ESA to JSA. Since my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in 2006 I have been interrogated by Atos 4 times. The last time in my mother tongue. I didn't see much point in appealing. My mental health has improved and I attribute a good deal of that to writing the blog. I find it very cathartic. I worked for 18 years prior to diagnosis so was just getting a return on my investment. Critics might say that it's like 'Hanging out your dirty washing' in public but like Buzby I believe that it's good to talk.

I am volunteering with a substance abuse charity and ostensibly I am content.  I am anticipating bereavements and I am trying to emotionally and mentally prepare myself for these. I am working on my fear and distrust of the opposite gender by trying to develop friendships rather than romantic attachments. I believe that it is important for a man to work on understanding women as human beings and not as love interests or sexual beings as some of us are  conditioned especially those of us who suffered single sex education.
Most of all I have been given time. My mind and body have demanded 'Time Out' from the collective insanity. To filter out what works and what insults my soul. Time to step out, Time to become more confident and time to enjoy life.

Rhyfeddod o Rhyfeddodau/Miracle of Miracles

Heddiw am y tro cyntaf mi wnes i arwyddo ar JSA yn Swyddfa Gwaith, Heol Siarl, Caerdydd. Roeddwn yn trosglwyddo o ESA ar ôl methu y prawf gwaith a rhoddir gan ATOS. Mi dderbyniais fy nhynged oherwydd mae fy nghyflwr iechyd meddwl wedi gwella ac mi rydw i wrthi yn gwneud gwaith gwirfoddol. Derbyniais benderfyniad Atos oherwydd ges i wasanaeth ardderchog yn Gymraeg a heddiw mi ges i wasanaeth unwaith eto yn wych gan Albanwr oedd wedi dysgu Cymraeg ac yn siarad yn well na fi. Mi roedd o yn gwrtais ac yn ddealladwy ynglŷn â chyflwr iechyd meddwl. Yn wir roedd yn fraint i gael gwasanaeth fel hyn. Mi roeddwn wir yn bryderus am y digwyddiad a ddim yn disgwyl cael gwasanaeth Cymraeg. Yn sgil canlyniad y cyfrifiad mae yn ddyletswydd arnom ni rŵan i fynnu gwasanaeth yn y Gymraeg. Mi allwn feio'r mewnlifiad ac mi allwn wneud esgusodion di ri ond ni'r Gymru iaith gyntaf sydd gyda'r cyfrifoldeb rŵan i fod yn ddi gywilydd yn gofyn am bopeth yn Gymraeg. Dwi wedi cael fy syfrdanu a fy siomi ochr orau gan wasanaeth yn Gymraeg yn ddiweddar. Roedd y profiad gan waith yn well yn Gymraeg! Teimlais yn fwy hamddenol ac yn barod i drafod mewn ffordd adeiladol na taswn ni wedi bod yn trafod yn y Saesneg. Os yw Cymru yn gofyn am wasanaeth Cymraeg yn enwedig oddiwrth sefydliadau'r llywodraeth mae yn ddyletswydd arnyn nhw wedyn ond mae rhaid i ni ofyn. Dechrau o'r dechrau! Dwi wedi cael fy argyhoeddi fod 'na ewyllys da allan yn fanna ond mae yn dechrau gyda ni'r Gymru Iaith Gyntaf. Roeddwn yn edmygu'r Albanwr yma wnaeth delio gyda fi, am ddysgu Cymraeg fel ail iaith a hefyd sylweddoli fod ni wedi chwarae rygbi yn erbyn ein gilydd fel disgyblion ysgol nol yn 1983. Mi wnaeth fy ysgol deithio i'r Alban ac roedd y cyfaill yma yn chwarae yn yr ail reng a fi fel bachwr. Tydi'r byd yn fach bois bach a'r iaith dysgon ni yn ein hysgolion oedd Lladin nid y Gymraeg ond nawr ni'n dau ar dan dros y Gymraeg.
 

Today for the first time, I signed on at the Job Centre in Charles Street, Cardiff for JSA having failed the ATOS Work Capability Test. I accepted my fate because my Mental Health has improved and it is my intention to undertake voluntary work in the first instance. The ATOS interview was conducted in Welsh because I asked for it. The Interview today was conducted in Welsh because I asked for it and I was interviewed by a Scotsman from Dumbarton who had learnt Welsh and now spoke it everyday as part of his work for the Job Centre and the Department of Work and Pensions. The experience was much better than I had anticipated and I was relaxed and happy to discuss matters in a mature fashion. I have now had a Atos Interrogation in Welsh, an Advanced Drivers Course in Welsh and now a JSA New Claim application in Welsh and all because I asked for these services. I asked because I felt bloody minded at the result of the Census Figures. As we spoke, it turned out that we had played Rugby against each other way back in1983 when the school I attended did a tour of Scotland. He was a second row for a school in Dumbarton and I was a hooker for my school. We played on Saturday morning and then went to Murrayfield to watch the Wales v Scotland game and here we were all these years on discussing my JSA application and my Mental Health in Welsh. 
We had both studied Latin in school.

If you speak Welsh, please ask for services in Welsh.   

Second Sight!

TRUE STORY

Second sight is a term for receiving knowledge without the use of reason

I was standing on the lay line yesterday (Cowbridge Rd East) against my better judgement, when out of the corner of my eye I spied an elderly lady in a pink coat with a multi colored bobble hat and a walking stick.
As she walked passed she turned to me and poked me in the chest and said "Happy New Year to you....with brass knobs on"
My mouth dropped open
"I just said that to the Bus driver" she informed me.
"Have you got a sense of humour?"
"I think so" I stuttered back.
She proceeded to tell me three jokes too rude to repeat here. This lady was eighty years of age and smoking a non filtered cigarette. Well she made my day! I love characters and I told her such.
"Do you believe in the Supernatural? Have you got Second Sight? 
 "I'm very interested" I said "but don't think I have it"
"I had it at 13 after I had meningitis" she went on to inform me.
 She told me of all the bereavements she had experienced, her partner and her son a few years ago and her four friends recently.
I accompanied her towards the Bingo. "I haven't been here in months, I'm going too deaf to hear the caller now but it doesn't stop me swearing. I should be dead you know, I collapsed and they took me up to Llandough. I woke up and saw four people I knew at the bottom of the bed that had passed over.
I knew then that it wasn't my time to go."
I nodded my head.
She told me her name. "I'll do your cards if you like and I can read the tea". I thanked her and said I might pop along.
She disappeared into the Bingo Hall and all this happened yesterday.