Boxing Day Blog!

The Lougher Estuary from the Millennium Coastal Path.

I could have had a traditional Christmas Day yesterday, I'm fortunate that I still have family alive to do this but I made a decision to spend it alone. I find every Christmas very difficult for obvious reasons and I noticed that symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder were becoming more evident. Withdrawing from contact with people, talking quickly, high pressured speech and losing my temper very quickly. I was shouting at family members on the phone and I wanted to avoid this in person.

I decided to take a long walk along the Millennium Coastal path from Bynea to the Millennium Disovery Centre Llanelli. It was cold and drizzly but the sun showed itself across the Lougher Estuary by the time I had finished.
This Christmas limbo land has been going on for what feels like an eternity. I don't appreciate the holiday because I am not working. I am in a state of tension because part of me feels that I have to try and get a job but another big part of me wants to continue with my freedom. The freedom to get bored and to over-think! It's a double edged sword.  I haven't worked since being diagnosed in 2006. The trouble now is getting credible references. My last salary pre diagnosis was £28,000 a year in London and I am grieving because I am aware that if I stay in Wales I will have to take a job that will pay far below this. The tension is created that I begrudge the fact that I cannot regain this salary because of my 'Bipolar Diagnosis'. You would have to be a high functioning Bipolar to earn this amount and with this salary would come stress. Stress triggers Bipolar Disorder. Seasonal stress has triggered my Manic depression this year. This is why I don't have a television set and why I venture out very rarely. The visual images of people behaving like sheeple distresses me.  I have decided to continue as an unmedicated Bipolar so despite urging to go and see somebody I would rather just avoid the things that trigger me.  I have volunteered to work with a substance abuse charity because I have personal experience of self medicating my mood disorder but am again fucked off that it is only voluntary work that I am in a position to apply for.
I am scared that it is becoming too late for me! I realise that I have 'learned helplessness'. I know that I would rather go for a nice long walk alone than be in a room full of people. Human Interaction is becoming more and more difficult and every unfortunate experience or reaction sets me back further and further!

 ( Morose of Morriston)