Madman Med Free

via GIPHY

August 21st 2008 I took my last Quetiapine Tablet. August 22nd is the 10th Anniversary of stopping Psychotropic Medication. I mention this not to go "ne ne ne ne ne" but to remind myself that I have been able to contain my madness and insanity without man made tablets in a laboratory. I had a couple of wobbles at the beginning around 2009/2010 in fact after one trigger event I was tempted to swallow the whole packet. I'm not going to get into the whole 'to medicate or not to medicate argument'. I don't want people reading this to chuck their meds down the toilet and go cold turkey.
My insanity still scares me. I have led a fairly self disciplined life since giving up the drugs which suits a middle aged man. For a younger person there are so many pressures to conform. The drinking and the nightlife, the partying and the temptation of taking substances. The pressures of relationships and redundancy. All these things are triggers for a mood disorder. Working 9-5 with lots of strangers in an office would be a trigger to me. Sitting in an interview room trying to explain the gap of 12 years work history on my CV, would trigger me.
I've mentioned before many times that I don't buy into the brain chemistry/disorder argument. I believe in the nature/nurture argument. I know that there is a family history of 'melancholia' and there are members that present with social anxiety/withdrawal.
What I feel is that now I am living my true self which is withdrawn, buttoned up and distrustful. I'm sure if I were taking medication it would perhaps make me more relaxed but I don't know now whether I wish to be relaxed artificially. The artificial relaxation provided by cannabis and alcohol. The problem with substance use and abuse is that you are always chasing the mellow and relaxed moment which you know will never last but hope will.
To celebrate my ten years med free I am treating myself to an event which I think shows a complete lack of imagination. On Bank Holiday Monday (God Willing) I will be standing in the away end of Damson Park, the home of Solihull Moors FC where I will be cheering on my boyhood team of Wrexham FC who are currently top of the National League. Nostalgia is a beast that can transport you back to happier pre-madness times but be warned if you see a stocky male with very little hair and mad staring eyes, do not approach, because it will be me.  

TRIP CANCELLED: GOD WAS NOT WILLING

Nice badge shame about the Prince of Wales Feathers

and the Ich Dien.