A realisation came upon me yesterday, that I have a phobia of 'Dirty Looks'. It is why I don't look at strangers in the eye. The mantra is 'keep eye contact' but what if that mantra is bound up with historic shame and self hate. How can you look kindly upon another if you hate yourself and I realised yesterday how many people hate themselves. How many women hate themselves when they look at men. We men think that they hate us, but they hate themselves for 'allowing us' to be haters of them. This is just a theory of course. It is why I wear sunglasses a lot even inside and when there is no sun. The elderly and aged give the young dirty looks, Christians (some) give unbelievers or as a member of the Salvation Army called them 'the heathen'. They give out dirty looks. I remember those dirty looks at the Chapel I attended as a child. Those disapproving looks, those withering glances from those with ashes on their tongue. I think that is why I have gravitated to the cities because you tend to get less looks. This phobia of 'dirty and disapproving looks' from other people can manifest as paranoia. If you have historic low self esteem, poor self image, lack of self confidence, I feel it doesn't matter how much work you have done on yourself, how much reading, how many self help CDs you listen to and how much Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you engage in, when you get that historic dirty look that drags you back to the chapel aisle of your childhood, then it was all for nothing. I hate looking at other people and I hate them looking at me because I still feel shame. The gaze of the other. I want to be incognito. The ghost in the machine. It was a profound 5 minute realization yesterday where this came from. Back to childhood, back to the sensitive teenager. I am convinced that by now some people have perfected the dirty look to such an extent that they could knock Lot's wife out of the ball park.
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