To whom this may offend

Alabaster Pasty

To whom this may offend

You may be affronted(hopefully)

by this punk performance poetry which is like

the non automatic, automatic door

on the waiting room at Keighley Station going Southbound.

I had me an alabaster pasty at the 'Island of Lesbos' artisan, wholefood delicatessen and patisserie in Hebden Bridge.

I paid a lot of money for summat that tasted overspiced.

It were a cross between chicken and avocado,  glycerine and ice.

This didn't actually happen, I am making it up.

To prove a point, that things are overpriced and you wonder why?

because

rent and rates, overheads, profit margins, greed and human nature.
 You've got sucker on your forehead,

The dead eyes of a Fellini headed female on a packed train from Leeds to Manchester.

She had more cases and bags than Sophia Loren's trailer on a film set. If you were fifty years older then you'd get the cultural reference.

We stood all the way on the Trans Penine Express, it was a Sunday. 
Dewsbury and Stalybridge rather than Venice-Simplon.

It is such an intimate way to travel, I imagined an orgy but I wouldn't take part.

I am an abstainer.

An abstainer of the alabaster pasty.

The price of the ticket should have meant that I travelled in first class fully clothed orgy.

There was solidarity amongst the stander uppers that the sitting downers could only envy.

Why are women on hen parties always overweight and ugly souled and loud?

Shoe horned into their black lycra, like walnuts stuffed into a man sized Johnny.

What the fuck has a pink flamingo and a cowboy hat got to do with getting married?

That poor bloke is all I can say when Debbie and Marian, Gloria and Fay come round and stay, drinking cocktails.

I thought that misogyny like anti-semitism was a made up thing but I came off that train in Piccadilly as if I'd had my dick rammed hard in a jar of Kosher Piccalilli .

Stinging foreskin needing lard and they wonder why we prefer foreign birds or other men.

Life is like an alabaster pasty.

You take a bite, it tastes of nothing and it gives you indigestion.