Open Wound

 

I have an open emotional wound that when pressed causes me to react instantly. Over-react! I wonder if we are all a little like this. I have recently had cause to terminate friendships because I detected future problems or toxicity. I have become almost ruthless in this regard. The people present themselves in an intriguing manner and I am genuinely interested in them. Then it moves on to noticing character traits that are not compatible with mine or perhaps are too similar too mine. Making friends is historically more difficult as you get older but ending friendships it appears is something I have now evolved into an art form. If I feel slighted or wronged in some way then I enter caustic text mode immediately and despatch the send button. I receive a puzzled by return and then I end it. Now I am trying to figure out whether this is a character flaw or related to one of the many diagnoses that have floated like bad smells in my general direction. There are two types of people, the diagnosed and the undiagnosed. How well can we keep our sanity really when we all know that we ar going to die? When we are faced with all sorts of nonsense, obstacles and irritations it surprises me that more people do not publicly crack. Most people crack at home away from the glare of the CCTV camera. We appear quite happy to be picked up pissed as newts in the middle of town on camera because its socially acceptable but to lose it or crack when you are sober, oh no, it's just not done dear boy. A former friend prophesied many years ago "that I would lose my temper often, in the future, especially with women and children". I wondered how he had come to this conclusion. Maybe I am too much of a coward to lose it with Males! I tend to fester, resent and hold a grudge! Do you? In recent months and on the eve of the publication of my book which details my ascent/descent to madness I am questioning the diagnosis ascribed to me of Bipolar Disorder. Initially they thought that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. They appear to have similar symptoms. I know that I have suffered with distressing, intrusive thoughts since my teenage years and that they have been pretty constant throughout my life and to deal with these has been exhausting and I have had two psychotic breaks. I am un medicated and I spend my days avoiding stress, people and social situations because I know that I have an open wound. I don't want people to identify it and I don't want people to press it. My reactions are not nice and not pleasant. It is passive-aggressive. I wish I didn't have this open wound but maybe we all have one.