Crowds

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

 

 

 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-polar Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder. What I have is on a Spectrum! I know one thing, I am not NORMAL. I don't want anybody to get the misguided impression that I am like them. I am according to friends 'A Paradox'. I have the skills and talents but my choice is to withdraw from society. I went out yesterday to try and address my avoidant personality disorder but all I was faced with was crowds. Ok what was I expecting, it was a Saturday! On the Train Platform people were nudging closer to the doors to get one of the seats without a reservation ticket, of which there were only three left. Twice the number of people for the carriages provided!

The bus then was packed, transferring from one bus to another, that was packed as well.

When I am in the presence of many others I adopt the tactic of no eye contact, closing my eyes, hoping that they will all dissapear. It's very unfair and judgemental of me because I am a nuisance and a crowd to other people but that is because of our ego! Where would we be without crowds? Capitalism relies on crowds. Supermarkets rely on crowds! They couldn't operate and wouldn't be profitable if there were less of us or could they? It's the Footfall! Bums on Seats for Theatres, Cinemas and Universities especially if those bums are foreign. More money then!
I took my own food yesterday so I wasn't contributing to the local economy apart from buying a Coffee which always feels like you have ripped the heart out of the cow, the farmer and the coffee grower at the same time.

 

There must  be some kind of pay off to this behaviour or I would not have continued with it for so long. It is about Control. Like this I can control my behaviour, my feelings. I don't have to be assaulted and buffeted by images and sounds that emotionally distress me. I wonder if I need to be de-sensitised so that I can be like everyone else. A drone that appears happy amongst others.