Working on my New Routine!

 

The “I walked into a Shop and they started Talking Welsh Tour”

(c)

David Williams

 

Comedy Material

Sut Mae? That’s Welsh for F Off by the Way!

I am a man fighting obsolescence, my perceived irrelevance.

Cymru/Wales is my Alamo and I ain’t  going quietly!

I am 46 and I’m not afraid to die.

More behind me than in front of me!

Anti-Social Misanthrope becomes Comedian as part of elaborate Mid-Life Crisis.

I can see the Headline in the ‘Dinesydd’ now!

The moral of this introduction is ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’

Stuart Lee (I’m name dropping here now) a world famous comedian said in his book “If you prefer a milder comedian, please ask for one” on page 13 He said “ I tend to like all Welsh people enormously”

And here am I with my Welsh credentials having been born in No 13, Walters Rd, Pen y Bont are Ogwr on March 1st hence the name David, named after the Saint but I ain't no Saint.
 “ I tend to dislike all Welsh people enormously” especially Cardiffians but then again they wouldn’t identify as Welsh anyway, especially librarians, but then again they wouldn’t be able to open the revolving doors!

So I walked into a shop and they started talking Welsh. Well with any urban myth, worth its salt, there is always a grain of truth and I recently set out to test this urban or rather rural myth.

I tested it out in the Londis in Llanbedrog! Penlleyn! Aye! I took my tent and went on a Shamanic Vision Quest to North Wales, well alright then, a 3 day walking and camping holiday nye. I went up and down Cadair Idris and then in the Londis in Llanbedrog, two middle aged men were gabbling away like two old turkeys with their gonads tied up in elastic bands. I purchased a small bottle of milk, the red top, no fucking fat, no fucking about, variety. I took my position behind turkey 2 who turned round to me and in a Shakespearian aside to turkey no 1 said “ Beth mae hwn yn sefyllian yn fan hyn?” as he was tapping his credit card number in for his purchase of a packet of pink bon bons I presume for him and a tin of dog food obviously for his Mrs! Well translated! This is “What is this one doing hanging around here”? I’m queuing, you prick, behind you and I always use cash because I’m thoughtful to others who have to follow me to be treated in the ever so shite ‘service industry’.

I put the milk down and said ‘Diolch yn fawr’ in my Hwntw brogue even though I have lived in the Gogledd! Turkey No 1 made a sharp exit and I followed him. He got into a Renault Shito with a Man Utd Sun Strip on the Back Window. Well I think that says it all! They don’t do themselves any favours by playing Russian Roulette! Use your Indiginous language of course but don’t make comments about other customers in case they can speak your indiginous language as well.

The following morning I went into a shop, a newsagents in Aberdaron purely to get change for the National Trust Car Park so I purchased a Cymro and a Golwg and I stood there where a lady came in and the genial Turkey no 3 said to her without looking at me “ Wnai jest wneud papurau hwn” which is “I’ll just do this one’s papers” It was his surliness and his use of the word 'hwn'! I think the word ‘hwn’ is rude! I think 'hwn' is dismissive and every time I hear it I feel like Steve Martin in 'Dead men don't wear plaid' when he hears the word 'Cleaning Woman' 

 

I gave him a tenner and quick as a flash, as he gave me my change I said “ Ugain wnes I rhoi I chi ynde?” I gave you a twenty and he said “Wi’n nabod chi’ch Cardi’s, wnes I arfer byw yn Aberystwyth” One sentence and he’s got me pinpointed to a Geographical area! I just took the change and waddled out, wishing for Christmas!  Cardi, I live in bastard Grungetown.

Talking of which:

I was in the Westgate Pub talking Welsh with me mate, as you do! You know, when in Wales and all that……..  and one Kairdiff Ark who is at the bar facing his friend  on the go faster bar stools sponsored by “Shit for Brains”  says to his mate “Nice to hear a dead language innit Stan”! Well after jumping at his throat and digging my incisors into his twitching jugular vein and tearing the flesh from his face with the Stanley knife in my pocket I left him sitting there facing his mate, like one of those stuffed mannequins wot that German Doctor prepares Autopsies on! His eye balls were bulging. I killed him and stuffed him in one swift manoeuvre and placed a Tree shaped Air Freshener above the bar! What perhaps was a little more worrying than my extreme reaction to this insult was the fact that his mate didn’t bat an eyelid. He just looked at his mate and nodded. I don’t think he noticed that his mate was dead.  Kairdiff, Capital City of Wales, my big fat fucking arse!     

Nos Da!