So I am back in the Diff and I am still Bipolar and I am feeling fucking awesome. Will I be feeling like that tomorrow? Probably not because at some point this evening I will have a thought and the thought will turn into an intrusion and then other thoughts will join it like parasites attaching to a host.
"Depressive Rumination"
To be fair, these thoughts are not as damaging as they once were but now I actually use them to level myself out because if I am feeling awesome it is a danger signal to one who has been given the diagnosis of 'Manic Depressive'. In my experience when I was happy and high, then I was actually still depressed but something had tilted and put a shit eater's grin on my face and given me the energy to try again. My mind was still questioning the arid and depressing reality but when artificially happy and without insight into your condition you do not realise that you are still ostensibly depressed. I read somewhere that 'Bipolar' was the moste extreme defense mechanism of the mind because up until your diagnosis you have been swinging high and low with periods of stability but you are fragile and extremely scared, paranoid and anxious about everything and anything. You daren't discuss this with any friends or family because it's not the done thing old boy. So your face becomes frozen, the tears of a clown dry on your cheeks, you carry on carrying on till the next crisis or episode. You are emotionally wired and any substance illegal or otherwise can tilt you into a stratosphere which is extremely entertaining to so called friends.
"He/She is crazy, wild man! Did you seem them at the club last night? Fucking Mad Man!" You are held in awe and are somewhat revered for your exciting, charged personality but they do not share the withdrawal that you experience behind your shutters on a Sunday when you just want to cry and cry and cry. But men don't cry! No they Fucking don't and they fucking should! These Gender Sterotypes in Society are killing us. The strong silent man who then goes and tops himself! "Well I'd never have thought it". Can we start talking about Mental Health please? In a very relaxed and open fashion with no guilt, no shame, no taboo. Let's stop feeding our beasts and our demons! Let's share them. We might stand a chance then. We might stand a chance of being able to compete with the normal people! Normal People, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
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