Birthday Blog!

dis·ap·point·ed/ˌdisəˈpointid/

Adjective:

(of a person) Sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one's hopes or expectations.

My name is David Williams! It is St David's Day, March 1st and I am 46 years of age today. I am also a Failure. Life hasn't gone according to plan and I am disappointed. Disappointed in Cardiff, Disappointed in Wales and perhaps the clincher, disappointed in myself. A side effect of the Bipolar Disorder perhaps, that I was so kindly diagnosed with 6 years ago, because I am stable at the moment. So stable, that I still feel what I felt when I was going high and euphoric towards Mania, that I have a role to play in the future of Wales. Don't you think it's a sign? March1st.....David.......Savior of 'Cymru'. Delusions of Grandeur?

 A Bipolar or Manic Depressive knows that they are stable because their life is so exceedingly dull and boring. You can't have fun, you can't drink and smoke drugs like all the other unhappy people because you will upset your balance. Its all about balance. The world needs failures like myself to self-admit! We cannot all be successes. I admit that I am a failure and that I have failed. I have failed to be what I wanted to be at 13 years of age when the Bipolar first took hold. I wanted to be an award winning journalist as an adult and a book that I read from cover to cover many times was 'Don't quote me..... but' by Derek Lambert .
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Lambert_(author)
Now I am a Citizen Blogger who, on a good day, can look forward to 20 readings per post. It might sound that I am looking for sympathy but I am a self proclaimed survivor, and not a victim.(But it's my birthday and I am having a whinge)
I am a failure in that I haven't realised or fulfilled the expectations I had for myself. I have failed my 'ego' my driving force, but hang on perhaps that isn't a bad thing. If you fail your 'ego' the thingummy whatsit that drives you down dead ends, then perhaps you can succeed in dying to the self and becoming re-born.

 As Eckhart Tolle says 'Die before you Die'. 

http://www.inner-growth.info/power_of_now_tolle/eckhart_tolle_pon_quotes.htm

Well I died 6 years ago and have been re-born! But I am still dissatisfied with my achievments and consider myself a failure, therefore, the chippy little 'ego' is still there pecking away like a 'peckerhead'. I thought life was going to be better than this! Why? My fault again? So I must sublimate my anger and frustration and turn it into something that will benefit others, not just myself. Perhaps this is the lesson that I have been trying to learn. It's not about me! It's about us. I have wasted too many years thinking that it was about me. I need to apologise to the Universal Energy for being so selfish and thinking that I could be somebody, when so many people are suffering, I only cared about myself. I am ashamed. We do learn valuable lessons as we age and we feel that we should be able to share them with the younger generation so that they don't waste their lives. We're not meant to obviously. We're just meant to learn our own lessons! Blow out the candles, kick back the chair, life starts again today.