Non-Conformist

If I was a stick of rock, then you would find the words non-conformist running through me. It hasn't made for a particularly smooth journey. It is so much easier to be a Yes Man. However we in Wales have a fine tradition of non-conformity. From breaking away from the organised church into the old denominations, Wales has had its Rebecca rioters and the tithe wars of 'Rhyfel y Degwm'. It was one of Wales much maligned sons 'Caradog Evans' who wrote 'My People' in 1915. He was taking revenge on the locals of Rhydlewis in Ceredigion who had pilloried his father, an auctioneer who agreed to sell the farms of those unable to pay tithes. We like our wild children, Richard Burton and Rhys Ifans but we're secretly glad that we are not them. We much prefer the anonymity of being one of the crowd!

Being different is difficult. It takes time and effort. Being part of the amorphous mass of civilisation is so much easier! Sundays is the day of the week like marmite, you  either love or loathe. It was made for man (as in woman) not woman (man ) for the Saboth " Thou shalt not". "Yes we bloody shall", we shouted back.

Well to cut a long Blog Post short I will admit that I am a seeker. I am looking for spiritual sustenance from somewhere. It is probably a rights of passage for all middle aged men and women, perhaps more so for women who seem more fine tuned to the spiritual realm. As a proper Calvinistic Non Conformist I didn't find it in the Chapel Oppression of my childhood. As an adult I have been to the Pentecostal Halls to sing and rejoice but the God shaped hole that I used to fill with booze and cannabis, remains. Maybe the God shaped hole is the fear of death. I find reality desperately difficult to deal with so escape into the esoteric realms when I can by reading about such affairs. It leaves you ungrounded and looking for someone else to pay the bills, but somebody has got to do it. To be a member of the awkward squad and to ask those questions. Most children stop asking questions when they get to a certain age! I haven't and it has got me into a lot of trouble! Why? Trouble is I often ask the wrong people who tend to be wearing uniforms.

People who wear uniforms are visually proclaiming to the world that they are part of one whole. They are part of a school or part of the police force. They are part of a pattern of doing things. They display a uniformity of character. We know what to expect of them! Unpredictability ain't what it used to be!

Booh! You didn't even jump!. Yes I am a seeker. Now and again I get the spiritual pull. I go and find a church and join an act of collective worship but knowing that the uniformity of  religion is not for me. At this stage in my spiritual development I cannot tell whether it is the symptoms of the label that I have assigned myself and very often hide behind (Bipolar) or whether it is part of the universal human condition. There is something called  Religious Mania where the individual will believe very often that they are Jesus. I've never had that but I have been close. Doubt and fear seem to be the universal religions. It's sexy and swinging to be a secularist but you wonder whether this is just a backlash to the fundamentalism of religion over the years. Whatever we get up to in our day to day existence, whether you work or you are a Shark Fisherman like myself, questioning the meaning of life must be as common as eating, sleeping or defecating. Do we carry on through our darkest hours because we believe that there is an answer? Can we ever be happy knowing that there are no answers and that life would not be worth living if we did have them. Dunno? Whatdoyathink?