The old Clifford Evans and Tommy Trinder film but this time with Arnold Shwarzenegger all 'roided up' to take on Islamic State. George Formby holding his ukelele aloft and enouncing in broad Wigan 'they'll have to prize it from me cold dead hand' and 'turned out nice again mother fucker'. The mad mullahs will be shaking in their sandals. "We thought we were fucking insane but this innocuous little Northerner might just bring down the Nation of Islam."
So dear decadent West, what are we going to do about Islamic State cos we know that Bombing for Peace is about as effective as Fucking for Virginity. 'C'est La Guerre Mes Amies.' What about getting an International Brigade together 'Boots on the Ground' made up of the homeless, the prison population, drug addicts, alcoholics and the unemployed. You see by joining this army and fighting Islamic State on your behalf we might redeem ourselves in your eyes 'the comfortable and complacent'. We might go from zero to hero faster than an AK47 bullet. It must be made clear at the outset that we are not fighting for Western values. If it wasn't for the decadent West we wouldn't be unemployed, doing drugs, homeless or in prison. Like big fat flies in the desert we cannot deny that these 'Daesh' are a nuisance. They are stopping us from drawing disrespectful cartoons, having over priced food and alcohol out with friends and enjoying American Death Metal in overcrowded night clubs. If that is not worth bombing for, I don't know what is. Unless you are a Muslim and have been inside a Mosque and have been trampled underfoot at the Hajj, you, like me, will have no idea of the power of the word of Allah, that has his followers donning suicide vests like we don Marks & Spencers thermal vests. We, who live in the material world with Madonna can have no idea of the spirit world, the world of the ascetic hermit who has turned his back on the world aka Western Democracy. We have been sleep-walking into this since 9/11. We in the West carry on with these values as if they are something to flaunt but if people are willing to kill us and themselves to overturn those values, isn't it at least in your children's children's interests to hold those values up to intense scrutiny and get the Leicester City manager Claudio Ranieri to tinker with them a little bit. Rather than declare war on ghosts and guerillas who can melt back into the general populace perhaps 'Taw pia hi' or 'Silence is Golden' This is a war that 'we' cannot possibly win because we cannot be 100% sure that they are the bad guys. You might be sure but then you are still inhabiting the polarised world of good and bad. I am Bipolar, I've been there thank you very much and now in the interests of my own mental health, I have to see both sides of any argument, even if the other side's argument hides behind murder, suicide and carnage.
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