I am writing to you because I am obliged to do so by the Department of Work and Pensions and the Job Centre to maintain my 'entitlement' to something called Job Seekers' Allowance. I don't really want your poxy job. I have a Mental Health condition called Manic Depression. You might have heard about it in the media. There, it is described as something called celebrity Bipolar disorder, people like Stephen Fry and Catherine Zeta Jones suffer with it. The French company Atos have deemed that I am fit for work, but not just any old work. Let me assure you of one thing! I am not a Yes man, you will not find me agreeing with you for the sake of an easy life and the minimum wage. If you are dishing out bullshit as an employer, I will let you know about it. Let's get this straight from the start as well, You need me, more than I need you. I have very few needs these days and have got used to living on the £71.70 that the British Government deem is satisfactory. I don't receive Housing Benefit or any other benefit but still they want me to apply to you, you greedy capitalist, for a job that will keep me out of trouble and off the streets. I have a variety of qualifications but none of them appear to be of worth now because they are for jobs that require a high tolerance for stress. I have no tolerance for stress. I have been advised to leave my date of birth off my CV in case you might be tempted to be ageist and even though I cannot provide you with decent, up to date references, I will have to provide them upon request. Do us both a favour and ignore this letter or come up with some bullshit excuse because really I will be more of a liability to your workforce than of benefit. However if you have found my honesty refreshing and feel that I should be rewarded for such I would be interested in hearing back from you.
Yours Faithfully
A Jobseeker.
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