Boxing Day Blog!

The Lougher Estuary from the Millennium Coastal Path.

I could have had a traditional Christmas Day yesterday, I'm fortunate that I still have family alive to do this but I made a decision to spend it alone. I find every Christmas very difficult for obvious reasons and I noticed that symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder were becoming more evident. Withdrawing from contact with people, talking quickly, high pressured speech and losing my temper very quickly. I was shouting at family members on the phone and I wanted to avoid this in person.

I decided to take a long walk along the Millennium Coastal path from Bynea to the Millennium Disovery Centre Llanelli. It was cold and drizzly but the sun showed itself across the Lougher Estuary by the time I had finished.
This Christmas limbo land has been going on for what feels like an eternity. I don't appreciate the holiday because I am not working. I am in a state of tension because part of me feels that I have to try and get a job but another big part of me wants to continue with my freedom. The freedom to get bored and to over-think! It's a double edged sword.  I haven't worked since being diagnosed in 2006. The trouble now is getting credible references. My last salary pre diagnosis was £28,000 a year in London and I am grieving because I am aware that if I stay in Wales I will have to take a job that will pay far below this. The tension is created that I begrudge the fact that I cannot regain this salary because of my 'Bipolar Diagnosis'. You would have to be a high functioning Bipolar to earn this amount and with this salary would come stress. Stress triggers Bipolar Disorder. Seasonal stress has triggered my Manic depression this year. This is why I don't have a television set and why I venture out very rarely. The visual images of people behaving like sheeple distresses me.  I have decided to continue as an unmedicated Bipolar so despite urging to go and see somebody I would rather just avoid the things that trigger me.  I have volunteered to work with a substance abuse charity because I have personal experience of self medicating my mood disorder but am again fucked off that it is only voluntary work that I am in a position to apply for.
I am scared that it is becoming too late for me! I realise that I have 'learned helplessness'. I know that I would rather go for a nice long walk alone than be in a room full of people. Human Interaction is becoming more and more difficult and every unfortunate experience or reaction sets me back further and further!

 ( Morose of Morriston) 

97. CHARLES BUKOWSKI: Air and light and time and space

97. CHARLES BUKOWSKI: Air and light and time and space

"Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man", Francis Xavier

"A ydy'r sefyllfa yn anobeithiol? Ydy', wrth gwrs, os bodlonwn ni i anobeithio. 'Does dim yn y byd yn fwy cysurus nag anobeithio. Wedyn gall dyn fynd ymlaen i fwynhau byw."

Saunders Lewis

Hwn ydi'r unfed mis ar ddeg yr wyf wedi bod yn sgrifennu fy mlog 'Pysgota Siarcod yng Nghymru' y rhan fwyaf ohono fo yn Saesneg oherwydd fod canran uchel o fy ffrindiau yn uniaith Saesneg. Mi addysgwyd fi yn Saesneg ond mi rydw i yn Gymro Cymraeg! Dim Cymro Cymraeg cyffredin efallai os oes yna fath beth. Ni hoffwn uniaethu gydag un diwylliant yn ormodol oherwydd hawdd fod yn ddall i'r diwylliant a diwydiant hwnnw. Dwi'n ofni fod yr Iaith Cymraeg wedi troi yn ddiwydiant gyda S4C ac yr Eisteddfod. Os ydi'r rhain mor llwyddiannus sut fod yna gostyngiad yn y niferoedd sydd yn siarad Cymraeg. Ydi llai o bobol sydd yn medru'r iaith yn trosglwyddo fo i'w ei phlant? Mae Sioni Bob Ochor fel fi wedi hen arfer a bod yn 'Chameleon Cymraeg' yn deud wrth bobol beth mae eisiau clywed. Y wen ffals wedi saernïo ar fy wyneb. Faswn ddim yn synnu fod y sefyllfa ieithyddol yma sydd wedi bod efo fi ers y groth yn debyg i 19 y cant o boblogaeth, Cymru wedi cyfrannu i'r Anhwylder Dau Begwn sydd da fi. Yn debyg i'r Brodorion Cynhenid yr Unol Daleithiau rydym yn teimlo fod ein hawliau wedi cael ei chymryd oddi wrthym. Fel sawl un arall dwi wedi cymryd y sefyllfa yma, tranc yr Iaith mewn i fy enaid ac ni allaf fwynhau bellach y ddiod feddwol oherwydd bod o'n wneud fi'n teimlo mor uffernol o wael ac yn euog fy mod ddim yn wneud digon dros yr Iaith. Oni bai am gefni ar y diwylliant Eingl Americanaidd sydd o gwmpas ni a mynd i fyw mewn Ogof yn Eryri beth allwn wneud fel unigolyn i newid y trai. Dwi wedi dysgu Cymraeg i oedolion yn wirfoddol heb fawr o lwyddiant a heb ddim cymwysterau dysgu priodol. Dwi wedi protestio a dwi wedi cael fy arestio. Dwi wedi ennill bywoliaeth trwy fy ngallu i siarad Cymraeg. Y Cyngor ydi defnyddio'r Cyfryngau Cymdeithasol neu anghymdeithasol fel y tybiwn ond os ydych ffrindiau chi neu ran go helaeth ohonyn nhw ddim yn siarad Cymraeg cyfieithu amdani ac efalla dangos pa mor bwysig ydi'r iaith iddyn nhw. Dwi'n hoffi sgrifennu ac mi fyddai yn cario blaen i sgrifennu yn fy mratiaith unigryw a duw a gwaredu unrhyw Nazi ieithyddol fydd yn cywiro yn gyhoeddus fel gwnaeth un actor o Gwm Tawe ar Weithdai yn HTV ers llawer dydd. Fel crwtyn ysgol dwi ddim yn cofio siarad Saesneg ar yr iard oherwydd fy mod wedi boddi mewn mor o Gymreictod yn Ysgol Bodhyfryd, Wrecsam o bob man ond wedyn cael fy symud i ysgol Saesneg gyda naws a diwylliant dosbarth canol. Collwyd fy Nghymraeg a'r werin yn saith oed. Dwi'n ceisio ail etifeddu nhw. Edrychwch ar y blwch yma! 

Alpha

"Is the situation hopeless?  Yes of course, if we accept the situation.' There's nothing in the world more comfortable than despair. Then a man can go on to enjoy living."

 Saunders Lewis

This is the eleventh month I have been writing my blog 'Shark Fishing in Wales', most of it in English because a high percentage of my friends speak English only or are not Welsh speakers. I was educated through the medium of English but I'm a Welsh speaker! No common Welshman maybe, if there is such a thing. I would not like to identify with one culture in excess because you can be easily blinded to that culture and industry. I'm afraid that the Welsh language has turned into an industry with S4C and the Eisteddfod. A Competitive Industry. If they are so successful, how come there is a reduction in the numbers who speak Welsh? Are fewer people who can speak the language giving it to their children ? Every Side's Johnny (Sioni Bob Ochr) like me, a 'Chameleon Welshman' telling people what they want to hear, when they want to hear it. The fake smile frozen on my face. I would not be surprised that the linguistic situation here which has been with me since birth is similar to the 19 per cent of the population has contributed to the Bipolar Disorder. Similar to the Indigenous Natives of the United States we feel that our rights have been taken away from us. It creates a split personality. Like many others, I've taken this position, the demise of the language into my soul and I can not enjoy alcoholic drinks because my guilt and self esteem  make me feel so bad and guilty that I am not doing enough for the Language. I become morose on alcohol. Without shying away from the culture around us and its Anglo American attitudes and falling short of going to live in a cave in Snowdonia what can we do as individuals to change the tide. I've taught Welsh voluntarily with little success to adult learners, with no qualifications to do this responsible position. I've protested and I've been arrested. I earned a living through my ability to speak Welsh. The sage advice from above is use Social Media or unsociable as I think they are but if your friends or quite a significant part of them do not speak Welsh what then? I like writing and I have decided to carry on to write in my unique slang and piss off you language nazis such as one actor from the Swansea Valley on a Workshop at HTV a long time ago who made a very public play of correcting every word I wrote in Welsh. As a school boy I do not remember speaking English in the yard because I was drowned in the sea of Welsh at Ysgol Bodhyfryd, Wrexham of all places, but then being moved to an English medium school with the tone and culture of the middle class. My Welsh language and link to the people was lost at seven. I'm trying to re-inherit them. Watch this space.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Welsh_language 

'In Yer Face' Theatre

'In Yer Face' theatre is the kind of theatre which grabs the audience by the scruff of the neck and shakes it until it gets the message.

Aleks Sierz

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In-yer-face_theatre

I am a frustrated Theatre Writer. That is all that I am. At my very core is an anger that I feel can only be assuaged by writing. I am a fan of the mode of Theatre described by Aleks Sierz in the above book. My ambition is to write this kind of theatre in the Welsh Language. Why? Because this is the language which is at the very core of my spiritual being, a core which has been blocked by the shit of contemporary life. I have let the shit interefere with my essence. I am angry with much to do with Welsh Language Culture, the Eisteddfod, S4C, Chapels. I am angry with English Language Welsh Culture with Rugby and Brains Beer at its very core and Wales Today and the Western Mail. Has someone ever defecated live on stage? I am willing to take a shit on stage (side on obviously) if only to be given the opportunity  of wiping my arse with the Western Mail. I will then be able to shout "I am doing it for Art" and then exit stage left. These are Institutions that keep us boxed in. I want to stand on the stage and piss on them. Literally and metaphorically but I can only do that in the  'Wenglish' or 'Bratiaith' available to me. So I won't get this script or these scripts passed by the gatekeepers of good taste like the commisioning theatres of which there are only two. These are led by forces of commerce and the market. They are accountable to the Arts Council of Wales who of course would not be happy to see tax payers' money wasted on work that criticises who and what they are. So do it yourself? I have done with varying degrees of success. I do not work well with others, the art of compromise is not one which I have mastered yet. Like in my writing I just want to tell them to 'Fuck Off'. My words are basically a disguise for this well worn, but effective epithet. Every line is basically telling the audience to Fuck Off. The safety net of naturalism has strapped us into our auditorium seats. We pay to be confirmed! Whatever I end up doing in the days I have left, I view my life as a germination, distillation and digestion of stuff and if I end up vomiting it out on my death bed, I hope that it will make some 'Fucking Good Theatre Cont'.

https://red-button.webs.com/

Statement from Mind on mandatory unpaid work placements for people on Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) | Mind

Statement from Mind on mandatory unpaid work placements for people on Employment and Support Allowance (ESA) | Mind