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Perhaps I should use this post to apologise en-masse to Cardiff's Librarians! If I get a weak smile next time, then I'll know that someone on the top-floor is following Shark Fishing religiously. Talking of religion, I was in the Library this morning reading a book about the Spiritual Desert which is innate to the human condition.
Apparently we have to experience the Spiritual Desert to become whole and to be able to face our destiny, namely death, with equanimity. I was trying to concentrate but someone was clipping their fingernails. Every clip was like a knife going through me! I don't think I would respond well to torture because much of one's daily business is torture-like, noise, interference, hustle and bustle, neon lights, shops, loud music, mobile phones. Silence is what I hope for in Libraries but they have become more like entertainment complexes. I have spent much of my life in libraries reading up on what possibly could be wrong with me, instead of actually getting on and living life. Libraries mean a lot to me, they are my temple, a sanctuary and I feel wounded by the noise. I feel as if I have spent much of my life in a spiritual desert and now I am ready to live. I spend much time alone but I do not feel lonely! I feel whole within my aloneness. I know that I cannot rely on another human being for unconditional love. I can only rely on myself to love myself unconditionally and I think a minor spiritual miracle is happening in my desert.
Maybe like some others I became trapped or fixated in my adolescent years and didn't progress through Erik Erikson's different life stages.
I have an adolescent's attitude to authority and structure which should be embarrassing for a 46 year old but I'm not really embarrassed. Perhaps if I was a parent things would be a lot different and I would be less self indulgent about my attitudes and feelings. Somebody has to play the Citizen Smith role. Feeling alienated is a Spiritual Desert. Observing Couples and Families going about their loud business, I wonder whether their lives should be aspired to or whether I should carry on sailing this ship alone.
Who knows I might end up marrying a Librarian!
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